This weekend I did the one thing you’re never supposed to do when baking dessert for a dinner party- I tried out a new recipe. And not just any recipe but a rather ambitious one, all things considered.

I basically attempted to recreate the staple of Carnival season- the almighty King Cake. Every restaurant and bakery has a signature version of it, the more decadent the better. You can expect to find at least one or two at every gathering you attend between 12th Night and Fat Tuesday. It replaces donuts at the office and takes over display cases at the grocery store. So when I say ambitious, I mean it.

If you're lost, allow me to explain. King Cake isn't a batter cake, it's a giant ring of bread-like dough stuffed with anything from cinnamon to cream cheese (and everything in between) and sprinkled in yellow, purple and green sugar. After it's baked, a plastic baby is stuffed into the bottom, and whoever gets the piece with the baby has to bring the next cake. Everyone has a favorite King Cake, and people actually argue over which is better... Dong Phuong, Manny Randazzo's etc. 

Three years ago I gave up eating white flour and sugar which makes living in New Orleans a bit of a challenge around certain "seasons", this being no exception. King Cake is more of a cultural institution than anything, and wanting to fit in can be tough when you're the only person who's not eating it. My dad used to joke, "Never trust a man who doesn't drink" and a similar theme can be applied here. 

So that afternoon, only three hours before the party, I destroyed my kitchen baking a gluten / dairy / and sugar-free king cake. Having researched several recipes and finally settling on one from a paleo website (huge mistake) I committed to rising yeast and grinding my own powdered sugar from dried coconut nectar. The process was deeply satisfying and beyond anything I have ever attempted, but it was doomed to fail because you basically need certain ingredients to make a thing taste like a thing and I'm still learning those tricks. (Truth be told, I have yet to taste a gluten free version of anything that's even close.)   

The minute I pulled it out of the oven, I knew. I could tell by eyeing the crust that it wasn't even close to real king cake. Too dry, too crumbly, zero fluff, etc. 

But I brought it to the party anyway (because g-dammit I'd put my heart into this thing) and feigned good humor. “If you don’t expect king cake you won’t be disappointed” I laughed, and “that’s what I get for thinking I could cheat Mardi Gras.” To make things worse I’d posted all these process pics on my IG and FB stories, and even though no one else knew the end result, I KNEW. I felt like a fraud. Like my cake was shit, an absolute disaster which made me an absolute disaster by proxy. Like if Donald Trump was in the room he'd be puckering his mouth and pointing at me, "It's a hoax!! Fake cake! Lock her up." 

Only a few people at the party tried the damn thing, and I winced every time I saw the crumbling crust fall apart in their fingers. Needless to say I came home with 2/3's of a cake. The hostess was gracious enough, asked me to leave her a slice, but everyone else was avoiding eye contact as I wrapped it up and did the cakewalk of shame.

(In case you're feeling sorry for me, don't. I don't need your pity, I need humor. I need someone to say "Oh my God, yes!" because they understand how insidious our perfection-obsessed culture can be and how ridiculous this story is. I need someone to laugh with me because otherwise, it's rather sad isn't it?)  

But then something wonderful happened... an unexpected twist.

The next day I absent-mindedly pulled a piece of the crust off and while letting it dissolve in my mouth I realized that I'd actually baked a giant scone! A perfect, delicious, gluten free, low carb, apple, cinnamon and maple pecan stuffed scone that wouldn’t put my body into inflammatory shock. I hadn't enjoyed a scone in years, and so I immediately brewed a cup of strong English tea and after that, everything changed. EVERYTHING.

It occurred to me that so often in life we confuse failure with invention. We rush to reach an end product and thereby devalue the process. We fail to see that our mistakes can be discoveries, that it's about the journey AND the destination.

And sometimes we even miss our true calling because we're blind sighted by something else. Like Lauryn Hill sang, "Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem, baby girl..." 

​This all happens to be the perfect analogy for the astrology this week. Keep an open mind. Expect answers and solutions to come from unexpected sources. And don't throw the baby out with the bathwater! Great innovation comes from trial and error. 

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Good morning and congratulations. If you're breathing right now, you're a raging success.
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Some of us are doing the work of generations. Some of us get sick during the process. Some of us don't meet the status quo because this work is all-consuming. Whatever you were taught to believe about success, healing, and love... let it go. Embrace the idea that you're exactly where and who you're meant to be.

Before I say anything, I want to credit Bessel Van Der Kolk, Kimberly Johnson, and Peter Levine for their work in the field of trauma and somatic therapy which has taught me so much about healing personal and trans-generational trauma. I also credit Alice Miller whose breakthrough work in child abuse brought to light what was formerly unacknowledged and is now the gold standard for child psychology. Additionally, I feel called to give credit to the patience and compassion of my mentors, recovery sponsors, and therapists. Their wisdom is the bedrock for all of my work.

A client recently asked me to explain what I meant by a "social nervous system" which prompted me to write this post. Please note that it's a HUGE topic, and I'm still very deep in the learning process. I have yet to fully dive into the work of Stephen Porges whose polyvagal theory is the basis for what is known as the social engagement system.

I use the phrase social nervous system as a metaphor for the way attachments and social awareness can influence our perceptions of (and reactions to) life. We are mammals, after all, and we rely on our instincts to keeps us alive in a precarious world .

When faced with a threat, the nervous system ideally responds instinctively to move us towards safety. Afterwards, a built in repair system discharges the energy, and we bounce back to normal functioning. If, however, we override our natural response because it goes against social cues and beliefs around what's appropriate or acceptable then we might experience a glitch in our system, otherwise known as trauma.

It's important to remember that the first assurance of safety always comes from our environment. Not just our physical environment but the people who coinhabit our environment. In a social sense, this begins with family and the attachments we formed with primary caregivers. Later it extends to religious communities, peer groups, professional networks, and society at large. Our survival brain recognizes that we need others to stay alive, and the extent to which we will go to earn and keep approval and acceptance varies case by case. Additionally, with the addition of the social media, our social nervous system has grown wider than ever before in history.

For anyone who was raised around dysfunctional family dynamics that include alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, sex addiction, codependence, mental illness, sexual abuse, narcissistic abuse, religious abuse, and any form of neglect or chronic invalidation, the social cues you relied on to feel safe were most likely distorted.     

Furthermore, when children feel traumatized they depend on co-regulation with parents, siblings, and other adults to gain a sense of safety and security (regulation is any adjustment we make consciously or unconsciously to function normally). Kids need a compassionate mirror- first to validate their experience and emotional reaction, then to name sensations in the body, and finally encouragement to shake it off and self-soothe. If the people they depend on aren't regulated themselves, this poses a problem. If someone tries to normalize a traumatic experience by pretending that nothing is wrong (or any attempt to interrupt / shut down the natural process of discharge and repair) this adds trauma on top of trauma.

​When cues from our social nervous system clash with personal instincts, our brain is thrust into a dilemma- it has to choose which system to trust. An invalidated sense of reality interrupts the natural process of repair and with time and repetition becomes what is known as complex trauma.

To make things even more "complex", this trauma will repeat itself until it's repaired. We are constantly looking to others to mirror and affirm us, which is natural, but if we habitually choose unregulated people for this task we stay stuck in old trauma indefinitely. 

Right now there are multiple generations of grown, invalidated children acting out of old trauma.

Many are caught between the instinct to repair (which can require stepping outside of family and social networks) and wanting to stay "safe" by not disrupting the status quo.    

Looking at it from this vantage point, it doesn't seem unusual to see Greta Thunberg holding up a proverbial mirror and saying, "This is not okay. This is not fair. Please, adults, fix it." In other words, do the work of your own repair so that I don't inherit your trauma. Even though she is talking about the climate crisis, she is an archetype for uncovering the shadow and getting to the root of the problem. 

And to be sure, it isn't fair. It's not fair to inherit the ignorance of past generations and be robbed of the pursuit of happiness. Paradoxically it's exactly what our elders and parents were forced to do when they were children, and it's what many of us in recovery do. Maybe the tipping point we are witnessing now will lead to some major evolutionary and spiritual breakthroughs. 

Our country, as a collective body, holds deep ruptures that began with the genocide of First Americans, the enslavement of Africans, and every other crime against humanity ingrained in its history. It also holds the trauma of war and scarcity which led to present-day laws and practices that are unsustainable and have put the entire planet in crisis.

Our social nervous system is in need of deep repair. And it's happening! Just look at all the social movements that define this chapter in history.   

"Creatives, healers, and empaths are in a time of power" -Kimberly Johnson

Pluto stations direct on Wednesday, making it the most influential planet along with Venus who rules the sun in Libra. Pluto is all about deep, transformational change, and Venus rules relationships and contracts- to ourselves, others, and the world. The bottom line is that by doing the work of recovery and repair NOW, we can become the co-regulators for our ruptured society. The world is in dire need of practical, compassionate approaches for healing systemic trauma, and as always it begins with us.